sometimes I wonder.

if someone would have told me years ago, before I had even dreamed about marriage and kids, that at age 33 I would be having my ninth child, I would have laughed my fool head off and told them to go jump in a lake. 

well, at age 33, due in a couple weeks for number 9, here I am.  and it's not a dream.  in fact at times, I would dare say it's a living nightmare.  

me.  an only child.  a motherless mother.  sorting through the nuts and bolts of life, trying to make sense of it all.

sometimes wondering, why?  why was I given this task of raising these children? I feel so incompetent at this job.  but yet at the same time, hoping and praying that my kids will someday be thankful for how I raised them and tell me that they wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

and then there's the wishing.  always wishing for that 'next stage', in hopes that it might just get a little easier.  but then again, I don't want to wish these years away, either.  people always say it goes by way too fast.  and "before you know it, they'll all be grown and gone..."    

so, in the midst of the sleepless nights and busy days, I will strive to focus more on the joys and happy moments through all of this.  and pray for patience, strength, guidance and understanding.  motherhood truly does have its rewards...you just have to search a little harder to find those blessings, as they can be so easily overlooked in the midst of the chaos.

I guess no one ever said life would be easy.


did they, Rowan?  apparently not if you have to scale heights in search of something to eat.  oh brother.


No comments: